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Town Vets turned on one of their own last Sunday as Geoff Watts was accused of talking out of his arse.  The incident occurred following a 2-1 victory over Old Barks, where Watts effort (or lack of) was called into question. The bullshitometer went off the scale as the former Town legend performed a PR exercise that ex-Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell would have been proud of, blaming everyone from Ian Chamberlain and Richie Shephard, to his missing bollock and the fact that his post match round occurred after the 'pound a pint' offer had finished.

Despite his obvious inability to put one foot in front of the other (affectionately known as running), Watts continued to defend his corner, despite mounting criticism from management and players alike.  A post match lobotomy, as expected, failed to provide any evidence of cerebral activity.

True, his pinpoint cross allowed Mouse to ghost in and glance home the opening goal, but the remainder of his performance meandered between abject and embarrassing.

But on a day when Town thought they had created history by having three Hawkins on the pitch at the same time, it was the statuesque showing of Watts (hence forward known as Stephen Hawkins) that dominated the post match debate.

Manager Richie Shephard was adamant that Watts place is in jeopardy.

"If we only get 11 players turn up for the next game then he's sub," declared the matter of fact gaffer.  "I'm prepared to play with ten!"

Another player who will also be feeling the heat is David Ling.  The part-time circus midget turned in yet another below par shift that made you question the fact that his brother is a former professional footballer.  Different fathers perhaps?

Elsewhere, Reece Fedden secured the man of the match award. His tireless display on a quagmire of a pitch brought praise from both sides.  Old Barks even complimented his hairstyle, calling him a skinhead when everyone else can see he is balding.

Mark Hawkins also shone and his passing and vision allowed attacks to flourish.  He also claimed the winning goal as his deliciously delivered in-swinging corner found the top corner.  A tad fortuitous but deserved.

Less fortunate were those that picked up niggling injuries.  Mouse hobbled off with a tight hamstring, Mickey Shuttlecock with a cough, whilst Whitnall limped on with obesity and limped off with a calf strain.

Despite the pitch being borderline unplayable both sides played with a great spirit yet Paul Mooney managed 75 minutes in the mud and still walked off like someone in a Persil commercial.

With Watts again refusing to play in goal, Rickety Shuttlecock shrugged off the disappointment of being outrun by a lazy cabbie over six miles the previous night to have a surprisingly decent 45 minutes in goal.  Lee Hawkins, on his Vets debut, matched Rickety's efforts with an equally solid second half.

The returning Kenny Cherrett gave his usual sound performance, while his centre-back partner Steve 'Hamburglar' Wilson displayed an unusual amount of honesty to convince the referee that he had conceded a corner when a goal kick was originally given.

Chambo continues to prove that fitness cannot overcome inability, whilst Steve 'On Yer' Marks produced an assured cameo role as the first choice right back.  A bit like Dani Alves only shorter, fatter and slower.

Richie Shephard was average but happy as he won his nutmeg battle 2-1 with opposite number Sainty.  Happiest man of the day though was Neil Foskett.  Town's late winner ensured that his 13 team accumulator obliged and he now has 7500 reasons to smile.

There is a brief hiatus before the next Vets fixture on 20 March, however, the management team will hope that their 39 man squad holds up to the rigours of four games in four weeks.  There is also the small matter of a cup semi to get the juices flowing.